Attack Of The Spiders!

For the last week I have been at war! Not with my darling son but with a seemingly endless invasion of HUGE and probably killer, spiders.

I have refrained from writing about this so far for fear of sounding like the pathetic, spider fearing woman that I am. However, I can keep my silence no longer. Is anyone else out there under attack? Or am I the only target of this eight legged army?

There was nothing particularly unusual in the first sighting of my enemy. I was doing a spot of cleaning last Saturday afternoon and moved my bag of bags (we all have one right? The bag in which I keep all the millions of plastic bags collected with each food shop, that I fully intend to take with me next time I go to the supermarket in order to do my bit towards helping the planet, only I never remember and so my bag of bags is constantly over flowing!). Anyway, as I was saying, I moved my bag of bags to find a massive fat spider hiding on the side of the bag. Just to be clear, I am not talking about the spindly type that usually hang around in the corner of the rooms. They are no threat as they rarely move, and if they do it is usually very slowly, giving you plenty of time to make preparations. The type that I was face to face with is one of the big black kind, with the fat bodies and thick legs. The ones that run at you with no fear, that are completely unpredictable and if we’re honest, very mean looking. I managed to drag the bag very carefully into the garden and shake the beast loose and continued with my cleaning.

Later that day, having returned home with little Louis, I walked into the kitchen to find the (based on his size) older brother of the visitor I had evicted earlier on, sitting in my sink. Doing my best impression of someone not phased by spiders, Louis watch on while Mummy removed the imposter from the sink and out into the garden, using a glass and piece of card. Well done me, I am thinking. Who needs a man around the house!

Just getting myself ready to go up to bed that same night, I made my last visit to the toilet before bed, I happen to look up from the loo to find another monster staring down at me from the ceiling, right above my head. Trying not to panic, I finished my wee as quickly as possible, and removed myself from the possible drop zone. This one had me! Too high up to reach with a glass, I had no choice but to leave him there... but what if he followed me to bed to launch an attack while I was sleeping?

After a fitful nights sleep dreaming of, yep, you guessed it, my new found house guests, Louis finally managed to drag a bleary eyed Mummy out of bed. As we stumbled into the bathroom to do our teeth, I turned around to find another (or I suppose could be the same one from the night before) fiend, casually hanging out by my radiator.

                ‘Right, that is it!’ I said to Louis.

                ‘What? What Mummy? What are you going to do?’ His panicked little voice followed me as I marched out of the bathroom to the cupboard where the Hoover lives.

                ‘I am going to show it I mean business!’ Like a woman on a mission I pulled the Hoover loose. Now, it is worth mentioning at this point, that the reason I had not enlisted the help of my Hoover for the previous attackers is because if I am honest I do not like hoovering up big spiders. It is silly, I know, particularly considering my dislike of them. I have no issue with sucking up the spindly, corner hanging ones, previously mentioned, but the big ones.... well, they are big! You sort of feel them clunk up the Hoover, plus they look pretty robust. I have wondered on occasion if it is possible that they are all there inside, playing the long game and planning a counter attack when I least expect it. Just imagine, one after another, after another they would climb out of the bag and back down the length of the Hoover pipe thing and then when all gathered and ready... CHARGE!!

Anyway, seeing as how that is in reality probably not going to happen, I had decided enough was enough. I was going to make an example of this spider. Let it be a warning to him and his comrades.  So, Hoover plugged in and set to turbo suck I went for him. Attack!.... he ran to safety behind the radiator, and I swear, he actually looked at me and said ‘ha ha’ before he scurried off to a place he knew I couldn’t get him!

                ‘This is war.’ I told Louis, who was fearfully watching from outside the bathroom door.

Well, after that sighting, he or his many friends have been popping up all over the place. Not hidden away like respectful spiders would be, but literally everywhere. I have never known anything like it. I know it is spider season but they have literally taken over our house. I found one yesterday, bold as brass, sat on the floor outside my bedroom, then another waiting patiently for me to notice him on the back of my front door as we came in from school today. Some I have managed to get rid of with the trusty glass and paper method but I am afraid many of them have met their end with the only weapon available in this epic battle, my Hoover.

I would say the only positive to come from this unprecedented attack of my scurrying enemy is that Louis and I have got a lot braver with them, unfortunately though it seems that the same can be said of the spiders themselves. There is no fear when they see me come at them, be it with Hoover or glass, I am certain, they look me dead in the eye and smile, knowing that once I have them, one of their many friends will be back to finish what they started!

And so the battle continues...